I Had A BAD Dream

I had a dream. Neither like Martin Luther King Jr. nor Joseph. I went to bed one night as Nwabueze but dreamt like Pharaoh. I’m in the market now shopping for Joseph to interpret. A sneak preview of my dream pattern I figure will be helpful. As a kid I usually have different dreams for every minute of my night sleep. The morning comes with a huge delete function that clears my memory and brain cache. If I’m lucky I’ll remember a few scenes from the dream. If I’m not, I won’t remember nada. The weird amnesia is limited; I never forget that I had dreams.

The movie or whatever I watched before hitting the sack often shapes my dreams. If I watched horror like Hammer House of Horror, Evil Dead, etc then I’m in grave danger. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the nightmare fall back asleep only to continue from where I stopped. It’s kinda stupid that despite the horrible effect these movies have on me I still watched them. I prefer closing my eyes when they get to the horror part to not watching at all. But the horrific screams and tunes that drift into my psyche create an image scarier than what is on TV. Back then also it was a test of courage or manliness among my peers if you can watch horror stuff. If I watched action, comedy or something like SUPERTED, well you get the message.

Today my night is beset with acute scarcity of dream. I dream sparingly and most of them come true.I still dream a lot by the day though. One of my many dreams by the day is when generators in Nigeria will suffer the same fate as dinosaurs. I’m not a huge fan of football nor am I a LOONY ZOMBIE fan of any football club but the dream is about World Cup.

In the dream, the spectacular colourful opening ceremony was in full energy and climax. I can’t remember whether I was watching from my sitting room or the stadium. Unexpectedly, somebody ran from the spectators right into the heart of the group performing in the field and………

…….....KAAABOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

The explosion was so massive making a child’s play of Hiroshima. Deadly stampede ensued then I woke up benumbed and dazed. I didn’t see the year of the world cup, whether it’s in the past or future. Yeah it’s just a mere dream so what the fuss right? Considering the fact that a fraction of my dream comes true and September 11 2001, the possibility of this dream becoming reality cannot be banished to the obscure archives of UFO stories. What if a message/warning is being passed through humble moi? Whatever happened to a Joseph when you need one?

The last thing I would want to say later regarding this is; “SEE, I TOLD YOU SO”

SA 2010 World Cup is around the corner, organizers should put every minute detail of security in order. Those of you/us who’ll travel from far and near to witness the competition should be very cautious. Not just for SA 2010 but for subsequent world cups. I won’t blink the fact that I may be crying wolf when it’s just a starved weak sheep. A proverb in my place translates “To See And Not Talk, Kills The Elder” and “To Talk And Not Listen, Kills The Child”

In any case, take heed of my cry lest ye end with the cry.

N8,800 Battery For An N8,000 Phone.

I went to Nokia Care Center in V.I. the other day to fix the screen of my E90. Took a ticket and waited patiently like a jobless dude. I've never been there before. It looks cool. Gives you this feeling of “come unto me all ye whose phone has heavily laden you and we will give you rest……. for a fee if need be” If I had known about that office, my 5300 would've been given Lazarus' chance of life.

The line got to me, I got charged N6600 for the screen. I haven't even paid yet.
There was this dude beside me with a stentorian voice. His voice is the ideal hi-tech futuristic weapon when compared to the primitive trumpets used to bring down walls of Jericho. Dude came to buy a battery for his phone.

Boom Voice: How much do you sell battery for this phone?
Nokia Staff: It's N8,800 sir.
Boom Voice: What?! No check again.

The nokia care center representatives (all girls though) started giggling sheepishly amongst themselves sensing that the poor guy couldn't believe it's that expensive. Of course his tone of voice, look on his face and gesture was glaring even the blind could see his astonishment which he made no attempt to mask.

Boom Voice: Why I'm asking is that I bought this phone N8000, howcome the battery is N8,800?

Instantly a roaring laughter rocked the room, ripping apart the serenity of the vicinity. The laughter held sway for a long time. The punch line was nicely delivered. Ironically this guy's tragedy gave us comedy overload. Trust me that dose laugh cures HBP permanently.

Nokia Staff: Sir we don't sell fake batteries, the least of our batteries is N6000.

I was like, what's the least of your phones? Quickly she replied they don't sell phones. The dude was disappointed big time. "How can I buy a phone for N8,000 and the battery alone costs N8,800? Its better I buy a new phone then" You can imagine that. Even if he bought his phone from the greyest quarters of grey market, it can never sell up to N12,000 in a nokia authorized store. The dude just walked away obviously he went to the wrong place like going to Iraq looking for statue of liberty.

I almost bought a battery for N6000 from the nokia store at The Palms Mall sometime ago. Lucky I didn't cuz the phone's problem was not even battery.

Another exotic looking chick presented her E90 for repairs. Only God knows the star high figure they told her but like boom voice, she was very vocal when she said "Let Me Go And See Those Igbo Boys" and she stormed out of the office. Igbo boys to the rescue. I expected a chick with those looks to be equal to the task. Igbo Boys do make miracles and magic depending on what you want. I guess the yoruba boom voice should do the same. Go see the IGBO boys!

By the way, I"M PROUDLY IBO!

Counting On You

This is something from the archive. A letter I wrote to my elder cousin when I got bored sitting at home after my graduation. Sent via email on Monday 28 June 2004.

Counting On You

Hello Dear Dee Ugo, warmest greetings to you
Hope it's all good with you and around you
By His grace we are just getting through
l pray that we all get the best from what we do
The project is no longer a task it has been tidied-up
Our results are not yet out they still have to toss it up
That don't faze me, l won't make it a storm in a teacup
l'm bothered about doing nothing, l have to at least sup
Most people think l should rest all day having achieved one goal
That after the school stress that l now relax body and soul
But on the flip side l'm wasting in this somewhat hell-hole
Desire for achievement is in flux l need to play a lucrative role
My completion of school was greeted with a lot of fanfare
l basked in it for a while and somehow it kinda ended there
What l hoped for seemed shattered like an unlucky chinaware
Honestly right about now l'm just neck-deep in despair
Now l don't have options in my arsenal l only have last hope
l'm counting on you as pis aller hoping you will be able to cope
No language will ever explain my exact state if you say nope
lt's not an order, it's just a request within the humility scope
Ooops let me hurriedly click on send before
l run out of time l can't afford to pay for more
Time cuz l'm broke, all the regards in my store
ls what l'm sending, this is where l'll quit the floor

Nwabueze

Latest Version

I have this very irrepressible thing for latest versions of applications or software or any kinda tech. I just love to try them out with the belief that it must be better than the previous version. Ironically the older versions are better than the new versions in some cases. In some other cases, people just prefer the older versions simply because they’ve been using it with a high level of satisfaction. In other words it is tested and trusted. For instance when yahoo messenger 9 came out, I jumped on it but I wasn’t really impressed by the look so I went back to my dear old 8.1. My search for yahoo messenger 8.1 and opera 7.54 lead to the discovery of a site called oldversion.com. It’s a good site for those that love old version.

This inexplicable love for latest version got me burnt recently. As a matter of fact as I write I don’t have a phone. I’m yet to know how I really feel now about latest versions. My nokia 5300’s software version was 5.50 and the latest version was 7.00. I went on a mission to update it. It wasn’t  giving me any problem though. Somewhere along the line something went terribly wrong. I can’t explain exactly where it came from but the bottom-line is my phone CRASHED. In this period, this critical period when xmas budget has hit the roof and the resources are still crippled on the floor. I shoulda left my phone the way it was. I can’t stop slamming myself mentally and continuously with a ten ton hammer of blame. 

Still somewhere deep inside me a voice is saying “Next Time Be More Careful With The Update” instead of yelling “DON’T Ever Update”  

Nigerian Breweries Aptitude Test October 6 2007

Euphemism normally drys the natural juice (bitter or sweet) of any action or expression like the above caption. I meant to say Nigeria Breweries test was totally fucked without a rubber. Anybody who tested it would probably call this a despicable understatement. Oh wait, this is Niaija Breweries we are talking about here. Well what the LIQOUR do you expect when drunk men and women organize an aptitude test. Obviously the line; 'Drink Responsibly' exist only in the advert world if not, the test would have been very orderly and organized responsibly. Their plan and execution didn't drink responsibly.

The first untimely drunk act was the very unreasonably short notification time. That Heineken guy's email and NBplc text messages arrived rather too late leaving many with no room to plan or prepare. The time on my invitation letter was 12:30am, is that midmorning, midnight or midday? OK I'm just curious was it INEFFICIENCY or was it an ultimate star ploy to cut down the number of expected invitees? I mean I don't understand. A week's notice is most ideal and not a less than 20 hours notice.

Again time wasn't of any minuscule import to the organizers. There were four sets for the test depending on test time i.e 8:30am, 10:30am, 12:30pm and 2:30pm. By 1:45pm the invitees billed for 10:30am were still being barbequed unapologetically under the hellish sun in the rubbish name of accreditation. One of my friends got pissed up with the whole thing and abandoned the test. By the time the 10:30am group finshed, a low scale chaos was the religion in practise outside the hall. Getting inside the hall became a survival of the featest thing and no longer based on your test time. So when it was time to get in, we KICKED, PULLED, PUSHED and SQUEEZED our way in nearly suffocated. The hall got filled fast yet a rather large population was left outside. The test started around 3:30pm and over in the next 60 minutes. Don't know when the last batch finished, only God Knows.

The most drunk act was the idea of inviting the whole of the unemployed graduate in Naija for aptitude test to one cubicle or venue. As far as the population of invitees is concerned the venue is a cubicle.
The size of the hall is the least of concerns of the invitees. Can you imagine the stress of planning within such extremely short notice, cost of transportation and the immeasurable RISK of travelling from all parts of Naija. One or two candidates even came from Ghana. Can you IMAGINE THAT! If you put a financial evaluation to the travelling risk believe me it worth more than 50 Nigeria Breweries put together.

A clear headed arrangement should have been to put 6 venues in the 6 geopolitical zones or at the very least if mild push comes to murderous shove 2 venues. Enugu housing the largest factory keeps one then Lagos keeps the other. Their clinical insensitivity to the plight of the invitees is highly commendable in the hottest, deepest and darkest quarters of hell. I know they'll say 'WE DIDN'T FORCE ANYBODY TO COME IF YOU KNEW YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT YOU HAD BETTER STAYED IN YOUR HOUSE'. I must say in my own opinion that THE WHOLE THING WAS HANDLED IN A PROFESSIONALLY UNPROFESSIONAL MANNER.
Maybe I should blame unemployment or something else.

Anyway the only good part was that it took place on a Saturday so some people didn't have to invent excuses for their boss or sneak out of their current office because of one aptitude test.Despite all the venom I can't help but pour out here, I got stuck to my phone and email box waiting to be called for an interview but it never happened. Truth be told. Peace out FOLKS.